Funny Bones

• Don’t put them in your mouth
• No more than 1 (one) person inside the containment cell at any time
• DON’T PUT THEM IN YOUR MOUTH

A pair of false teeth that have been modified into a comedic prop/toy. Freestanding on plastic legs with hand-painted shoes, laces are made of thread and are tied together. Can be wound up and has mechanical components to walk around.

Plastic legs and wind-up key components are both removable. Item is to be kept hidden from view to prevent accidental observation from outside the Containment Cell.

Observation or interaction with Item 789 causes a heightened sense of humour, silliness and childishness within the individual. The effect is contagious, and becomes exponentially more pronounced as additional people become affected. During the most serious outbreak [I54-789-004], the entire wing surrounding Item 789 had to be quarantined.

Prolonged exposure to Item 789 can result in a shift in attitudes and behaviour towards the item itself, as well as a disregard for safety procedures relating to Item 789. Affected individuals will still find the Item (and any related incidents they were involved with) humorous several months later, even under intense scrutiny within a disciplinary environment.

Despite obvious security risks and numerous warnings not to do so, affected individuals will continue to breach safety procedures with Item 789, usually claiming that they did this because “it was funny”.

Researchers have frequently removed Item 789 from Containment to “show their friends”. Following the discovery that the plastic legs and wind-up key could be removed, there have been several accounts of scientists and researchers placing the item inside their own mouths. The dentures awkwardly fit over an individual’s teeth, and if wound up prior to insertion, will continue to chatter together. This causes the individual’s mouth to vibrate and give the appearance that they are ‘gnashing their teeth’ together, and even personnel watching remotely have admitted that they find the act “pretty funny”.

However, it should go without saying that staff should not place any Item of Interest inside their own mouth (or any part of their body), and numerous safety warnings declaring this have been ignored, sometimes blatantly. The obvious safety risk and hygiene implications do not seem to have deterred certain individuals, who have now been prohibited from entering Containment Cell 789 by [MANAGEMENT].

Item 789 was originally relocated without its wind-up key [whereabouts unknown], but as this was a purely mechanical aspect of the Item, a replacement was fabricated and functions without seeming to alter the effect. The original wind-up key is not believed to cause any similar effects on its own and has been designated ‘inconsequential’ by [MANAGEMENT]. There are no requirements to locate or retrieve this element of the original Item.

Perhaps one of the most alarming tendencies of those affected by Item 789 is their desire to alter documentation and safety notes relating to the item. This document, for example, has been modified numerous times - by authorised personnel - to include fabrications, jabs at other members of staff and a knock-knock joke. The clear security issue presented by this behaviour is that new personnel will be uninformed and unprepared for the risks presented by Item 789; which is at the minimum a Category 9 Item, and could potentially be as high as Category 5.

For this reason, [MANAGEMENT] will now only allow modification of documents relating to Item 789 by personnel who have never directly seen it. This has presented some difficulty, as reports must rely on surveillance footage, witness interviews and other forms of none-primary information.

It has been pointed out by several researchers that teeth are not technically bones, and the Item’s designation (“Funny Bones”) displays a level of inaccuracy that does not meet the Ministry’s standards. It has also been noted that the Item reference number (789) was likely altered during initial processing. Following a security review, both designation and reference number will remain unchanged, as they have been deemed to accurately reflect the nature of the Item, and also highlight the data risk posed by Item 789.

Because Item 789 causes adjustments in behaviour of those who come into contact with it, there is an inherent security dilemma. People who have handled Item 789 may no longer be safe to continue doing so, but exposing further personnel could create a situation where the majority of staff have been exposed, find it amusing, and have no issues with removing the Item from containment or modifying its documentation.

After extensive consideration, [MANAGEMENT] has proposed that Item 789 should only be handled by exposed personnel, whilst non-exposed personnel monitor their actions and behaviour via security cameras. Access to Containment Cell 789 now requires remote approval to enter.

Whilst this hasn’t prevented affected individuals from playing with Item 789, or placing it inside their mouths, this behaviour does not seem to pose any major security risks. Personnel engaging in such actions will be disciplined, although this does not seem to have any impact on their desire to do the exact same thing again on their next visit.

During routine experiments, two scientists removed Item 789 from its Containment Cell, wound it up and let it walk through the halls. A passing guard witnessed the breach, but rather than stopping it, began to join in. All three individuals were laughing to the point of barely being able to function. Further guards and a senior Agent who were sent to intercept also became affected, and when a researcher in a nearby Containment Cell began to wear an Item of Interest “as a hat”, the entire wing was shut down at the request of [MANAGEMENT] and order of Chairman 54.

Anaesthetic gas was flooded into the affected area, and a bomb-disposal drone was used to safely retrieve Item 789 and place it back inside its Containment Cell.

Following Incident I54-789-004, new security arrangements were put in place to prevent multiple persons entering Containment Cell 789 at any one time, with additional lockdown procedures put into place in the surrounding area. All affected personnel insisted these increased security measures were unnecessary and stated in their witness testimonies that Incident I54-789-004 was “hilarious”.